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Men's Health advice from The Goliard

     Most men, if they are like the men of the Goliard, need to take better care of themselves. Evidence is mounting that men are not masturbating enough, getting enough selenium, ingesting enough free radicals, mixing in enough flax seed, or downing enough drinks replete with flavonoids to help keep their arteries clear by preventing platelets from clumping together. Men are also swilling way too many cans of lite beer and Yoo-hoo when they could be guzzling V-8, Bloody Marias, and Clamato and thereby getting the benefits from the lycopene in the leached tomatoes which prevents the harmful buildup of cholesterol on artery walls. Additionally, men might consider sloshing down an extra goblet or two of Chilean cabernet sauvignon which is 38 percent higher than its French counterparts in antioxidant flavonols and tannic acid gas generation. However, men must keep in mind that in the pursuit of complete health, they would do well to increase there intake of ale and lager since a Boston study of 38,000 men found that men who consume alcoholic drinks containing hops and malt, three or four times a week have a 32 percent lower risk of heart attack than men who swill a single can of Bud Ice less than once a week. It's also a good idea for men to pour home as much cranberry juice as possible now that University of Scranton scientists have noticed that volunteers who drank three 8-ounce glasses a day for a month increased their HDL-cholesterol levels by 10 percent. And since an American Scalp Association study found that a couple men who sipped 2 cups of tea an hour were 25 percent less likely to die in industrial accidents, men should be making sure that a thermos or two of Earl Grey becomes part of their routine. Also dropping some Siberian ginseng in one of the eight daily glasses of water recommended by the Swedish Nurses Association is purported to be an erection booster of which the red Korean kind has actually helped guys defy gravity and participate in sexual workouts with some of the nurses involved in the study. This also left them thirsty and craving black currant juice which was then determined to help prevent kidney stones. German researchers subsequently learned that the more trendy white currant juice can increase the pH level of male urine and a survey of Austrian mill workers determined that downing two mugs of pureed kale daily may take the edge of a hemorrhoidal attack. Andy Dunhill, a guy from Cleveland, recommends chewing stalks of celery, which is roughage chock full of androstenone and androstenol, two pheromones that can help men attract women subliminally by releasing odor molecules into men's mouths. These little buggers then travel down the back of the potential lotharios throats and help boost arousal. Being aroused turns men on which can then cause their glands to emit scents and their bodies to begin involuntarily sending off horny signals that make them more desirable to women on a sudorific level.

Men who worry themselves sick about stress and heart conditions would be advised to avoid cholesterol-raisers, such as fried foods, butter and meat, unless of course its in the form of a ball park frank with all the fixings slathered on. Onions, it seems, are loaded with sulfur-containing phytochemicals that appear to help lower cholesterol and blood pressure and may even suppress tumor growth. Ketchup is believed to contain anthocyanins (although the milligrams per teaspoon depend on the ball park), which can prevent prostate cancer. Mustard is no slouch either as it is rumored to sometimes have traces of turmeric, a spice that, laboratory studies have revealed, slows the progression of tumors as well. 

And relish is green. 

When not eating dogs at the ball game men should make for the rivers and gobble down as much fish as they can catch since a study published in the American Journal of Ethiopian Nutrition noted that men who consumed two or more servings of fish per week had between 50 percent and 60 percent lower rates of stomach, breast, and pancreatic cancers. That is of course as long as they aren't eating farm raised fish that has been gorged with the steroids and antibiotics that make it possible to live in cruel and cramped brackish water conditions and to ingest the chemically enhanced brain matter of their diseased brothers. Consuming farm grown fish (even if they have cannibalized their bretheren) however is still 18 percent better for men, according to a report written by fifth graders at Jenkins Elementary, than mawing down ichthyologic product from the world's oceans that have spent their lives literally swallowing loads of crap and pollution along with other detritus and petrochemicals which pour from the worlds industrial areas. Petrochemicals, according to a phlebotomist in South St. Louis, are thought to effectively cancel out the omega-3 benefits realized from eating some types of fish. Ingesting detritus based nutrients may put men at increased risk for pancreatic and stomach problems and give them the runs. Also certain types of fish can be dicey eating for those men tipping back pints four times a week as they should refrain from consuming tuna canned in oil since drinking alcohol increases a body's sensitivity to salt, which in turn could sky rocket the blood pressure of men just trying to do themselves a favor. Arabian studies also warned that eating fish from streams, rivers, lakes, or the Atlantic or Pacific oceans should be done in moderation as the trace metals in the earth's waterways have reached lethal proportions and are now being linked to birth defects, incontinence, pattern baldness and dasypygal shedding. Of special interest to sexually active men are the concentrations of heavy metals in fish and shellfish which are often consumed as aphrodisiacal alternatives to bologna and Hungry Man Turkey dinners but which can completely offset the health benefits by seizing up the liver with metallic compounds. A study done by an visiting surfer attending a Maui junior college notes that Scottish exporters of herring have become mostly aviatarians lately and continue their mythic longevity by ingesting only organically raised chicken parts which were fed dried seaweed through the first trimester.

Men's sexual health is also a fundamental concern here at the Goliard where the research has been rampant of late and we've concluded recently that when it comes to vitamins, zinc is crucial to the laying of any serious pipe. After all it's been linked to fertility, potency, sex drive, neuralgia, horn blowing and long-term sexual health and is a mineral critical to sperm production and the global mining business. Depleted zinc stores have been blamed for losses in semen volume, as well as moral bankruptcy, corporate downsizing, and plummeting testosterone levels and since every ejaculation can expend up to 5 milligrams of zinc, or one-third of a man's daily allowance, it's no wonder that zinc levels are dangerously low around the Goliard offices and the dollops of semen sprinkled about the back window which overlooks the hair salon next door have been decreasing in diameter. A study we read sitting in the Goliard men's room detailed how dietary zinc was undoubtedly linked to the immune response systems of nursery pigs and the drinking habits of bowery bums while a subsequent article contained some alarming figures about the oral administration of trace mineral zinc concentration in the livers of broiler chicks and throat cultures of wild beaver. There was some good news however in a story also left in the staff crapper that claimed a morning cup of coffee might be doing more than just perking us up since men who have at least one cup of mud a day are nearly twice as likely to describe themselves as being three times as sexually active according to one Mongolian study and guys who enjoy the quotidian jolt of Joe report fewer problems with erections and bowel irregularity. Men should not overdue it with the java however since another study out of a Netherlands half way house found that drinking four or more cups of coffee a day could increase the homocysteine in men's blood to dangerous levels and cause feelings of jittery self doubt and low fiscal responsibility. 

Overly libidinous men also got some good news recently when studies revealed that despite their parents warnings that "discussing the Irish situation" on a nightly basis might cause them to go blind or grow hair on their palms, it turns out that a regular waxing of the little bishop actually can help protect against prostatitis. A study of 29,000 men in orbit revealed that any type of regular ejaculations, rather they be induced in the traditional manner with the neighbor's wife, or the result of group masturbating, nocturnal emissions, rubbing against livestock to climax or simply the creaming of men's jeans during cunnilingus, could potentially protect against cancer development. If a man bucks the odds and does find himself going blind however he should not fixate on carrots and mix himself up a spinach omelet which a University of Texas dental school study noted contain egg yolks and spinach which are good sources of lutein and zeaxanthin. Gluten and zeaspirin are phytochemicals that may help prevent age-related macular degeneration, one of the leading causes of blindness in overly randy yard apes. Additionally, cholesterol-lowering foods, such as dried beans, oatmeal, oat bran, yak fat, and any fruit with a peel, only improve men's hydraulics. Cholesterol, as we know, can clog men's arteries after all, including the ones that allow a penis to stand tall. So it's smart to avoid cholesterol-raisers such as red meat. Instead mix in some strips of old beef which contains immunity-boosting selenium as well as homocysteine-lowering B vitamins. Not to mention that up to 50 percent of the fat in beef is the heart-healthy monounsaturated variety and four ounces of lean steak provides half the daily requirement of zinc although cow meat has been linked to colon cancer which tends to inhibit erectile urges. So even though frequent tossing off may reduce chemical carcinogens which readily accumulate in prostatic fluid, it is harder to self gratify when one has been informed that they have rectal problems.

  Athletic fitness is also a subject much discussed amongst the staffers with some even adhering to a strict vegetarian diet and regular exercise regimen. The problem of course is soy, in all its forms, contains phytoestrogens, that is, plant estrogens. And while some men aren't squeamish about having female hormones in their bodies, others are and having high amounts of the plant version may inhibit testosterone which is very important to manliness. One study we found in the magazine "Beef" cited Australian researchers paid by New Zealand's cattle industry who reported that men who consume a soy-rich diet had significantly lower testosterone levels than beef eaters and weren't nearly as likely to come completely unglued and smash the faces of crossing guards or beat smug, shit for brain, middle managers to within an inch of their lives. The same source also mentioned that the obesity epidemic could be sent permanently out to pasture if humans simply ate and drank more dairy products. Of course a Norwegian Elkhound study found that the same humans were not actually meant to be weaned on cow's milk in the first place and cited evidence of most adults in the country being lactose intolerant as proof. Men not sold on the idea of sucking the bovine udder should substitute goat, butter, momma teat, breast pump, or coconut milk in a daily diet plan that includes Chex morning cinnamon mix (which has almonds, cranberries, and raisins), a tureen of Dinty Moore American Classics roast beef and gravy with mashed potatoes for lunch, and Dove dark chocolate which contains levels of disease-fighting flavonoids similar to those of chocolate used in studies that also determined that the cocoa bean works on the same brain centers as pot, hash and Icelandic pornography. Meanwhile deli meats and packaged salads were recommended for those men in the process of trying to conceive although warnings were issued that their partners should avoid lettuce and cold cuts due to salmonella outbreaks and the occurrences of hepatitis B found in 50 percent of all deli employees who were not seen washing there hands at any time after repeatedly touching their genitals. The numbers for the lettuce pickers as far as cleanliness goes were even more astounding with up to 96 percent of them determined to have feces (both human and pachyderm) under their fingernails and dried semen and chicken blood in their hair.

     As you can tell, we at the Goliard have been quite busy reading up on men's health issues lately and it has been a pleasure to share some of our findings with the good readers. We hope our research has cleared up some things and given readers a health regimen to follow so that they might improve their lifestyles and enjoy continued success in the bedroom and on the ball field. Men interested in further reading should know that the above findings were culled from various fitness magazines and websites which have become the definitive and authoritative voice on health issues facing men in the new millennium. But don't take our word for it. We encourage men to go out and try to make sense of it all for themselves. Go on. Try.

Copyright 2008. All Rights Reserved.