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Alert! - An Atwater Update             

At right is a picture of a couple that we believe to be the Atwaters. They posed boldly for the camera after showing up for a staff gathering probably thinking that their disguises were fool proof. For purposes of comparison, inserted on the lower right of this page is a picture of how they looked a year ago when we last saw them, juxtaposed with the current shot. Pretty obvious eh? The tennis racquet picture was taken at this year's Goliard Xmas party after they rolled through the doors unannounced and uninvited, claiming to be "neighbors from down the street." They then introduced themselves around as the Baumtanners, a newlywed couple just moving to the area from New York City. Speculation commenced among the staff shortly after they arrive when the female released an audible flatulent just as the male was handing her his racquet so he could use the urinal (no explanation for the racquet's presence was ever given though it seems obvious that it must have contained some surreptitious video or audio equipment). One staffer also thought it odd that they arrived in a beat up taxi cab and another swears that she saw a trained falcon hovering about the property shortly after their arrival. 

Another occurrence that raised an eyebrow or two was when a dog came scratching at the front door to politely inquire if the Goliard Newfoundlands might be allowed to receive a social call. Of course the obvious and only thing to do at that point was to invite the wayward animal in since there was clearly a party going on. After the new guest had m
et everybody and calmed down enough to sit quietly near the BBQ, some of the staffers quickly became convinced that the mysterious dog caller with the platinum locks bore a striking resemblance to the Atwater's Visla, Maggie. Clearly, the king pin animal had become skittish out in the surveillance van and thought it necessary to infiltrate herself and keep an eye on things. The Movieman, who is always one to position himself against popular opinion, was quick to point out that the Atwater's Visla hadn't been a blonde the last time we saw her and perhaps we were all just being paranoid. However, other hints that things were not quite what they seemed with the strange trio manifested themselves soon after when we noticed that, although the new couple were supposed to be man and wife in the budding years of love, the strained intimacy in the room was almost palpable. As they stood unnaturally together, the male was obviously in a constant state of arousal while the female clearly was not interested whatsoever but simply playing some sort of role.  After intermingling throughout the evening, nibbling at the finger foods, continuing to pass a foul gas and, as a junior editor put it, "pumping us for information", The Atwaters left the same way they had come which raised further suspicions when they were somehow able to hail the same broken down cab on a residential street where no cab of any kind had ever been seen. 

Goliards at large should keep in mind that these Atwaters could easily have altered their appearance drastically in recent days and most probably no longer look anything like they do in these pictures. While the male pretty much always looks stiff and upright (although he has been known to lighten his hair), the female has been known to affect the look of a Chinese anthropology professor, a geisha dancer, museum worker, metallurgist, sultry immigrant, and mentally abused orphan boy. Area goliards should be on the look out for a Ford Explorer carrying the three. We will remain at a security alert level mauve until we find ample cause to upgrade it to purple.

Link to original story about The Atwaters

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