thinking of becoming a librarian and had some questions. First of
all the librarians I know
are boring, and lame, and self important, and ugly, and plump, and
short sighted, and naive, and usually from boring backgrounds and in
boring relationships. Are naturally plump and self important people
drawn to the field? Are they dull before they become librarians or
do the repetitive and pointless tasks, claustrophobic shelving and
horrendous lighting create a situation where they withdraw into
themselves and become dull and self important. Maybe its the
isolation, being locked up with mostly crappy books, sucking the
energy out of them. Should I consider becoming an accountant to
escape this fate? Do
you have any advice? - E. Carpal Tunnel - Bayonne, NJ
shit is "Carpal Tunnel" yor right real last name? Yer
bleedin dun fer already.
First of all it's not necessarily a crime ter have any or even all
of them bloomin crappy qualities listed above. Many in uvver fields
'oo ain't librarians are just as bad on an individual basis. But as
a group I agree that yer'll not find a more paffetic bunch a gapers
in the 'ol world. Yer don't 'ave ter worry about weffer ter
encourage yung librarians because it is a default profession. Once a
hackin Uncle Chester has exhausted all their uvver dreams and goals,
been rejected on all uvver fronts, received feedback from
counselors, muckers, parents, peers, religious leaders, and paid
consultants that they'll never amount a gad damned fink, they will
then gravitate ter librarianhood. And the problem is that the bloody
tasks ain't quite pointless. Some banana bender needs ter make it er
job ta organize the nations bleedin books, some bloke needs ter
become proficient at findin' information, some wanker needs ter tell
other tossers ter shut der holes. The chuffin' problem is that them
that take the bloody library Uncle Bob seem ter end up finkin' that
they are as important as the books and information itself as well as
the real blokes that produce it wen this ain't actually the bloomin'
case. Far from it. So I'd say if yor a normal young strapper now
then just consider trowin yourself off a high bridge ravver than be
a librarian, do wot guvnor! If yor a loser (and since yor name is
already carpal tunnel yer probably are) than by all means get yer
arse down ta the agency and sign on the dotty to become a librarian.
Good day Aussie,
I'm a thirty something recent
divorcee who is trying to get back "out there" and need
some advice attracting the right kind of man. Is there a certain way
to stand or place to hang out that might make this a little easier.
JG - Hartford, CT
Oi HA J,
Oiks J, coppin a bleedin notice
is easy. Just know the bloody sort of blokes yer are comfortable wiv,
and dress and act the part. Weelin' dealin' flashy salesmen and
uvver peacocks like flashy bints - so go ahead wiv the bloody short
skirt and heavy warpaint, but then go hed and expect ter be an
accessory ter motch his ensemble. Ask yerself if you would really be
interested in any fairy 'oo would want a "high
maintenance" cow. Lads can 'ave a look at a tart and make an
estimate of 'ow long it took 'er ter get showered, right, dressed
and done up. I bet they can cop pretty close wivout it even
registerin' that they're doin' it - nice nails, right, can I afford
to date some hussy that spends $80 a monff on 'er manicure, and yer
know she cant golf wiv them; I'd ask 'er to go the game wiv me but I
dont want ter miss the bloomin' first quarter wile she's finishin'
wiv the hair, so decide now what type o blokes ya want ta snag.
one is yer 'ave ter be accessible, right, the prettiest most done up
fantasmagorical Sheila in the bloody center of the chuffin' action of the bar is fun
ter 'ave a look at, right, but impossible ter talk to. And if she
shoots a bloke dahn thin evry geezer is wotchin'. If yer want ter get some
Bruce's attention thin quietly find yorself in 'is paff, on the bloody
edge of the action, right, where yer can talk about wots gahn on at
center stage, right, or rabbit and pork about sumfink else, to spot
early if yer even 'ave anyfink to talk about.
Then yer need ter be interestin'
ter talk to. Yer need ter be able ter carry on a conversation in the
areas lads are interested in. With a bleedin little effort in ter
studies o should know that if yer want ter cotch a loryer it 'elps
ter know wot tort reform means, to know they 'ave briefs and
depositions, and if yor right serious about some bloke 'oo is tryin'
ter make partner yor better off listenin' ter NPR an that Sheila
Nina Totenberg wen she covers the
bleedin' Supreme Court than listenin' ter the new J.Lo song. Plus
yer cant embarrass 'im in front of 'is chinas evry time yer open yor
North and South. If 'e lives for sports yer eever 'ave ter be
interested, right, get interested, or reffink it. Yer dont 'ave ter
memorize the numbers of all the players on the team, but yer should
know that 'ockey don't 'ave 'alves. If yer ain't interested at all
in wot 'e does - eever at work or for fun - should yer right be
finkin' about him, isit? It 'elps ter know ahead weffer or not 'e'll
ever be long-term comfortable wiv some bloke 'oo weren't born rich
or jewish, 'oo don't 'ave enough degrees, or 'oose Uncle Bob ain't
prestigious enough. I've wotched (and am still wotchin') ruddy
ladies werete their time wen they've basically been told 'e's never
gonna marry them, but they dont want ter hear it. Same for waitin'
'round for the bloomin' married lad. Dont bovver wiv the dj,
musician, right, dancer, bar tender, or uvver big swingin wanker
types. Right. A dozen bints a day frow ffemselves at the Royal Mile lads, and the rest of the time they're just 'ave a
lookin' for a challenge. They're rarely interested in more than 2-3
"dates", because there is always a fresh challenge battin'
'er eyelashes 'is way, so unless yer've known them for a wile its
Mae West to 'ave a look elsewhere. I dont fink its realistic ter
expect ter be Cinderella. Now quit a typin note to the Aussie in yer
bleedin flat and git out der an land yerself a goddam fish.