Movie Man - Summer Trip 2005
As any Goliard reader worth their
salt is well aware, the Movie Man hasn't been on the
staff payroll for several years now. It fact this geezing, wheezing
Goliard original has only been seen around the offices once during that period when he dropped by
unannounced to give us a list of his top
summer films. And that was a year or so ago so imagine our surprise when he
ambled into the offices the other day with an expense report to submit just as if
he'd been grinding out reviews day in and day out for the past year.
"Hey Pops, how's the prostate, colon, and
rectum?" the first editor that saw him inquired. "Weren't
you having some problems down in the ass area. Good to see you on your feet.
We thought you might have expired. You know where the bathroom is if
you've got any issues."
"No issues for now," said the Movie
"Except that my accountant advised that I should drop off this expense
account." The MM proffered a typed out page. "I'm going
about paying my taxes."
"Taxes? It's the middle of the summer."
"I got an extension."
"Extension? But you don't even have a job."
The Movie Man scratched his beard and shuffled his
feet. "Well that's one of the problems."
The editor scanned the page briefly and tried to
hand it back to the Movie Man who had shoved his hands in his
pockets and wouldn't take it. The editor had no choice but to look
the page over again.
"This seems to be for a trip you just
took. Why would we foot the bill for some pleasure jaunt around the
southwest when you haven't reviewed any movies for us in over a
"That's true enough," said the Movie
Man hobbling over to the humidor and helping himself to the biggest cigar.
"But I need to put down that I work somewhere for tax reasons
and in order to do that I need documented proof. You know,
paperwork." He borrowed some scissors off a desk to clip the cigar
tip and, as he did so, tobacco showered across a fashion editor's lay out. "Something like a signed expense report would work
"Well I'm sure that's probably the case," said the editor
scratching his head. "But by my way of thinking, and please correct me
if you know differently, we would only
pay the expenses of a person who actually did some work for us.
We're barely getting by here as it is." He looked again at the
page. "And frankly, it doesn't seem in our best financial
interests to pick up the tab for, lets see, 37 cigars, some soft
core porn, and 4000 some odd miles traveled unless we're getting
some pretty damn good movie reviews in return."
"I can give you the reviews. I've got the
movies listed right there."
The editor squinted down the single page. "Mr.
and Mrs. Smith?"
My review is "Not good," said the Movie Man.
"Better than some of the other Batmen."
"The Longest Yard?"
"Kind of funny. Not bad."
"And what's this? Mad Hot Ballroom? I've
never even heard of it."
"Excellent film. It's about inner city kids
learning to dance."
"And that's it?"
"For now it is."
The editor sighed and took a pen from behind his
ear. "Alright, I'll sign this for you on one condition. You let
us post it on the Goliard for all to see. And get your ailing ass out there and do
some real reviews. Where's your 2005 summer list? Bring that in at
The Movie Man turned to go, clutching his
freshly signed report and gave an ashy wave to the room that hopefully was meant to suggest
that as soon as he got his taxes figured out, he'd be back after he put some reviews together.
"Who's that old dude?" asked a new
kid from the photog pool.
"Oh he used to work here once upon a
time," said the editor. "Seems to have some kind of a screw loose these
Movie Man Summer Trip 2005
Car Driven - 2005 Gold Chevy
Caviler (rented at $179 a week)
Miles - 4162.2
Time - 18 days
Words spoken while driving - 65 (Most common -
"Thanks" at toll booths and drive throughs.)
States - 11 (Arizona,
Motel 6's - three (at $37.99
People's couches - two
People's guest rooms - four
Total Cost - $1162
Movies seen on road - 4
& Mrs. Smith
The Longest Yard
DVD's rented - 8 (Singles, Winged Migration and a bunch of soft porn)
44 ounce Dr Peppers consumed - 46
Cigar's smoked - 37
Blood - 4
Total - 29
Origin of Trip - Tucson,
AZ (US): 32n13, 110w56, 2410 feet in elevation
Highest Elevation - 6,167 ft - Just South of Trinidad, CO
Lowest Elevation - Verdigris River, Kansas. 679 feet above sea
Northernmost Latitude - Cheyenne,
WY (US): 41n08, 104w49.
Southernmost Latitude - Lordsburg,
NM (US): 32n21, 108w42.
Easternmost Longitude - Nevada,
MO (US): 37n50, 94w21.
Westernmost Longitude -
AZ (US): 33n24, 110w47.
Archive of MovieMan Movie Reviews
Ten - Summer 2004
Man's Top and Bottom Five for 2001
Man's Top and Bottom Ten for 2002