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THIRD MILLENNIUM MANIFESTO

Sections

Wide Open the Doors with Hope
The Discussions
The Interviews
The Apology                      
The Inventories
The Edifications
The Inquiries
The Conjugations
The Exceptions
The Ordinations
The Retractions
For Believers Only
The Incarcerations
The Intrinsic Values
The Disaccreditations (Defrockments)
The Sympathies
The Apothecaries
The Catholic Challenge
The Intrusions
The Cusp
The Juggernauts
Wipe up the Spittle
The Impediments
The Ursine Detour
The Lupine Retraction
Somewhat Unlikely the Visitation
The Rejuvenations
The Platitudes
The Baptist Excuse
Turn Thee Down as a Bed sheet
The French-Canadian Disclaimer
The Pitfalls
The Moratoriums
The Dissections or Better Late Than Never
1. Revisited
1. Reassessed
2. Reconsidered
3. Regretted
4. Rationalized
The Epitomes
The Dichotomies
The Juxtapositions
The Fortuitous Circumstances
The Nagging Questions
The Insinuations
The Artifices
The Corporeal Visceral Digression
A Rebuttal Ignored
The Destitutions
The Short End of the Stick
The Violations
Empty-headed the Wrangler
The Peregrinations
The Accident
The New Way
Wipe Not the Bottom Rung
The Facilitations
The Leadership Question
Jung
The Combustible Materials
The Untoward Suggestions
A Refusal Acknowledged
A Causation Unexplained
The Oxymoron
The Crucial Elements Belittled
The Hard Evidence Ignored
The True Call Misinterpreted
Both of Youse Be Damned
A Stranger Befriended
An Old Friend Cast Out
1. A Good Dog Punished
A Stranger Cast Out
Alone Again
A Safe Place Dynamited
The Conflagrations
A Matriarch Denuded
An Empty Vessel Excoriated
A Vast Woodland Defoliated
A Gardener Interrogated
The Diminutions
The Archangel Excommunicated
Minions Tolerated
Another Catholic Challenge
Timetables
The Justifications
The Arbitrations
An Ally Unprotected
A Benefactor Ignored
A Poseur Rewarded
Technology Rejected
Practical Purposes Cursed
The Micturation Question
Solicitors Enslaved
A Pinnacle Reduced
Roadbed
Those Feelings
Rewards for Mercenaries
The Equivocations
As if in a Dream came The Duchess
Colonel Olwell
The Artisans Incarcerated
At Least One Iron in the Fire
The Bedeviling of the Free
The Expatriation of the Loyal
The Repatriation of the Disenfranchised
Another Old Friend Cast Out
Longevity Awards: The Coronation of the Dull
Colonel Olwell
A Duchess run up the Pole
A Pollster Reassigned
A Man in the Field (Ours?)
Mark my Words
The Goading of the Naïve
A Programmer Dismissed
The Trials
The Misappropriations
Festive but Spiritually Corrupt
A Call to Arms for the Courteous
The Grievances of the Shy
Bare Before the Shroud Go We
The Dedications
The Summations
A New Question Introduced
A Poll Taken
A Task Group Aligned
An Apology for Retribution
The Syncopations
Colonel Olwell's Disappearance
The Potluck Calling the Kettle Black
Bad Cooking or Culpability
The Defenestrations
The Penetrations
A Milestone Avoided
The Betrayals
The Isolations
The Abandonments
A Castle of Glass
Stones
A Regimen Recommended
A Cost Analysis Rejected
Ancient Wisdom Disproved
A Creature Called Out
An Undergarment Inspected
Carbon Dating Exposed
A Curtain Call Refused or Bowing to an Empty Theater or We Couldn't Leave Fast Enough
A Warning Unheeded
The Message Ignored, the Messenger Sodomized
A Reply Sent Rectal Express
Moral Turpitude Mothballed
Moral Rectitude Excoriated
A Messenger Befriended
Anal Retention Explained
The Beatitudes
Surmounting the Mundane
Simplification Embraced
Olwell and the Messenger
Olwell's Redemption
The Renunciation Announced
A Coronation Challenged
Morals Mismanaged
A Mentor Ridiculed
A Marginalized Sovereign
The Character of Aggression
A Gift Horse Gelded
Territoriality as Decompartmentalization
Refuge Refused or Dead Wood Caroling Groups
Refuse Harbored
Vocation Recalled
The Demagogues Realigned
The Specialists Retrained
The Gladiators Called In
A String of Peppers Pulverized
Some Harm Done
A Field for Our Man (Olwell?)
The Catheterized Vein
A Tender Spot Swabbed
The Victory of the Lymph System
The Pinched Nerve
The Wake of the Swollen
The Tide of Retention
The Trumped Up Charge
A Band of Renegades Embarrassed
Swollen Moments
Indenture and the Cow
A Shriveled Introduction
The Notoriety Dilemma
Licked by the Pump
A Messenger's Recuperation
The Cardinals Outnumbered
Infidelity Rewarded
Tragedy Renamed
Heroics Unheralded
Dark the Passions of the Weak
Enemas Reconsidered
Butt Plugs Prescribed
Messengers Lionized
Carolers Drowned Out By the Moanings of the Unclothed
The Laments of the Excessively Clothed
Well Put, Centurion
The Stock pilings of a Hard-Nosed Realist
A Pugilist's Recourse
The Outpourings of an Anal Obsessive
The Lassitude of the Overly Loved
What We Call Oatmeal
Why, Euripides, Why?
These Mortal Fingers
A Question to the Pompous
A Guide for the Tired
A Challenge to the Sincere
An Apology to the Unwashed
Thrice Bitten
A Good Friend Refused Admittance
Olwell's Capitulation
The Taint of Original Sincerity
A Lily Gilded in Silver
The Directions
Buchanan Elected
A Maelstrom Becalmed
The Expectorants
The Lactations
The Perorations
Mewling at the Molehill
Mooing at the Mountain
A Hillock Razed
Extenuating Circumcisions
Part and Parsimony
The Colonel's Communiqué (Olwell?)
The Idiocy of the Ideologue
The Pusillanimity of the New Order
Gonad or Oyster? (Olwell?)
The Premature Curtain: Mistake or Censorship or Don't Worry, It Happens to Everyone
Silos You Can Build
Gullibiety
A Deflowering (Olwell?)
No Man is a Field
A Field for Every Man and a Man in Every Field or Unhand Thy Weasel
See Them Scurry to Avoid the Light
Legacies First Rejected
Cabin Fever: A Reality or Olwell?
The Frog's Story: Waiter, There Aren't Enough Flies in My Soup
Fruit Spoilt
A Scrotum Submerged (Milk?)
A Parishioner Cuckolded
Publish or Parishioner
Genuflections
A Merkin or a Toupee?
A Scrivener Scandalized (Dyslexia)
The Agnostic's Prognostications
The Ways There Are
A Review
Conclusions Drawn and Quartered
The Four Quarters of the Triangle
Epilogues Anticipated if Not Realized
The Sven is Mightier than the Fjord
The Four Norseman of Apocalypse
The Culminations
The Pulmonations
The Palpitations
The Galvanations
Recidivism
A Swerve in the Road
The Die Cast or Curtain Tragically Premature
Masters of Miscellany
Alliteration or Illiterati?
What Are the Illuminati?
A Knot in the Pate (Staph Infection?)
The Crescendo of the Concussed
Blue Streak: A Blue Stake Violation?
Seismic Hiccup or New Fault? (Sea Floor Spreading?)
No, No, No lo contendere
A Misspelling Corrected or A Proofreader Paralyzed
Iceland: Hot Spot or Global Goiter?
Fiji: Today or Yesterday?
The Dateline and the Moral Majority Are Neither
Pachyderm: Undulate or Exhibitionist?
The Lusty Woodsman: A Digression
Colonectomy as Editorial Device
Artistic License: Revoked, Expired, or Suspended?
The Bodily Function:.
Punctuation Likened to Feminine Bleeding.
The Salutations
The Terminations
The Eulogies
More Profuse Apologies
Gustatorial Amalgamations
Old Wounds Reopened and Salted (Olwell?)
Lower Cholesterol: Exactly What They Want?
The Messenger's: Back With a Vengeance
Bowels;
The Insertions
The Appendix;
The Rubric: Not Just a Cube
The Browbeating of the Gullible
The Subjugation of the Kind
An Old Friend Embarrassed
The Whipping of the Weary
The Flogging of Several Elderly Bishops
The Euphemisms
The Flagellation of the Feckless
The Permanent Scarring of the Curious
The Ritualistic Mutilation of an Old Friend
The Recognition of the Seldom Seen
Away With the Skilled
The Deportation of the Unique
A Reunion of the Different
A Course in Civics (Required)
The Ass Paint of the Retromingent
What the Pontiff Saw
Scared up and Shot, The Turnips Story
A Public Forum for the Unwiped
A Valedictorian's Story: The Dais of My Life
Curb the Indigent
Leash the Affluent
The Castigation of the Devout
The Eating Disorders of the Far Too Pleased
The Ordination of the Deceased
The Exhumation of the Ordained
A Bare Bottom in the Mirror (Moonface?)
The Bribery of the Unseeing or Money from Heaven
The Death of the Exhumed
The Resurrection of the Forgotten
The Forgotten Ignored
The Second Coming of the Forgotten: Also Ignored
Borborygmous: Gustatorial or:/
The Inoculation of the Completely Healthy
A Biscuit in Lieu of Just Desserts
The Abject Humiliation of the Hitherto Undefeated
The Dismissal of the Dedicated
The Ridicule of Those Without Collateral
The Admirer: Friend or Foe?
The Amplifications
The Eradication of the Taciturn
The Unacknowledged Triumphs of the Truculent
Trepidation: A Deserter's Lament
The Utter Dispensability of the Cordial
The Attempted Return of the Skilled
The Agreed Upon Continued Exile of the Skilled With the Consent of Said Skilled Given the Irrefutable Evidence of Improvement In Their Absence
Hopeful Be gone!
An Embracing of the Cursed
Too Laughable the Dejected
The Deification of the Mundane
The Gentrifications
The Mutations
The Certifications
The Conceptualizations
The Malappropriations
K-Rations
The Erections
The Final Day
An Unwelcome Visitor
A Fresh Discussion
The Target Identified
Categories Redefined
The Unnecessary Oblations
The Durations
Going Out of Fashion
A Bastard Comes Clean
Not From the Heart
Geckos, Oh the Geckos or Oh, a Gecko or Olwell?
"Someone Said 'Give Me A Spongebath'" -Jones
A Reassessment
The End: An Introduction
The End Begun
Someone Interrupted Us, Coit or Olwell
The Rogering of the Well-Endowed
A Simpleton's Gripe Overdone
A Call to Salt Away the Already Rotten
A Trekker Cuckolded Enroute
A Suicide Unnoticed
The Lemmings Regroup or Peer Groups Unite
The Well-Traveled Evicted
A Summit Achieved and So-called a Trough, He Bespoke
Too Tired the Grumpy
Backpedaling are the Saints
The Cuckold Shepherd, A Lark, or The Lark's Cuckold, a Shepherd
Two Gentlemen Guillotined
A Martyr Who Smelled of His Sins
A Fanzine Released
Someone's Mother Identified
Night Sounds Catalogued
A Government Asked to Reapply
Methods Repudiated or Mothers Asked to Requalify
Mumblers Demystified and, as such, Reported
A Monk Asked to Straighten Out
An Erection Avoided
Detumescence Rewarded
Satisfaction Guaranteed
The Trouble With Roger or, Roger's Objection to Dick's Claim About Peter
Euphemisms Gel-Capped
Weapons Issued
Ammunition Parsed Out
Tools Hung Where the Meat Once Was
Water Wasted as Thirst Beckoned Them Home
The Segments
Gung Ho the Gas Bags of Yore
An End Reintroduced as Impetus

II. Discussing the Chinese Question
A. That the wheel should never have been invented
1. Transportation being the greatest of all modern evils
a. Apparent transportation included, for example 2-wheel drive Ford Explorers
2. Pottery being the second greatest of all modern evils
3. Pyramids?
B. Mormons
1. Family trees as false Deity
C. That blood-sucking animal that lives down by the Mexico-U.S. border (call it NAFTA)
1. Duck?
2. Platypus?
Concerning the NAFTAization of China
Crouching NAFTA, Hidden Platypus
Ass Rider Disappearing in the Mist (Lao-Tzu?)
"I'll Decide When We Disappear in the Mist, Ass-Face"
Various and Sundry Islands
The Mist, the Missed
A Mystic Promoted
Cobwebs Mist By Some
Gorillas Missed
Who Would Eat a Small Bird?
Let's Have Some Tea
Mah-Jongg: Game or Garrison?
Go Wash Your Mother, Sang the Mandarin
Up By the Bootstraps: The Athlete's Story
Up By the Athlete: A Bootstrap's Story
Zapatos For Everyone: NAFTA?
Is the Chinese Question?
Blood Sucking Goat Bat?
Lest We Forget Nepal
The Nepalese Throw Them Out
Ambiance Dismissed
Tibet: Situation or Wager?
Quoth the Dalai Lama, Quoth He
No Pyramids Visible
A Monsoon Drops By
A Monsoon's Vacation Slides
Nigh Grew the Monsoon
An Ass Rider Alone: New Horizons
Rider Set Upon by Ass, A Surprise Turnaround
More Asses Break Free
No More the Mist: The Dissipations
Asses Missed
Surely the Nerdy
A Void Perceived and Denounced
To the Authorities
A Mystic Ponders His Promotion
After Mystic, Whither?
Big Ass Found on Man
The Mysterious Stranger
Mystic: Title or Tribulation?
A China for the Asses
A Warlord Forgotten
Testimonies Refuted
Merchandise Bought and Sold
The Salutatorian Awakens
Our Transcripts Revisited
A New Valedictorian Named
Ass Gives Speech
The Void Upon the Dais
Rock Me on the Dais
A New Moon Floats Upon the Horizon
Something Floats By, Face-Up
So Sang the Wood snipe (Spotlighted)
A Mentor for the Misbegotten
An Unusually Hearty Canary: The Dead Miner's Story
Mining the Birds (Guano?)
Uranium vs. Guano: Either/Ore
It Could Have Easily Been Me, Thought the Cormorant
Floating By
Seabird or Rapscallion: A Plover's Tail
Tails and the New Ordinance
The Plumber's Ass-Crack: Open Defiance
An Embarrassment On the World Stage
A Mystic Accepts His Position
A Plumber Dethroned
I Coulda Been a Fender: The Spokes Monkey Trial
A Wagon Train at Rest
Hamsters Bored
Training Wheels Unnecessary and Unavailable
The Lassitudes
The Vicissitudes or The Verissimilitudes
Suck Not Thy Neighbor's Straw
The Shanghaiing of the Unlikely
Thus Spake Z Acrobat
A Government Not Worth It's Salt
Three Trollops Come Calling
Four Prousts in the Woodpile
Baudelaire Understood
Franco-Chinese Relations Explicated At Last
We surrender sang the Jays
A Setback: Nixon
Of Natural Causes? (Olwell?)
The Sniper Has a Premonition of Spotlighting
Transparent the Guys (Lombardo?)
Opaque the Gals
A Co creator Excused
An Attitude Adjustment: In From the Cold
Curvature of the Tine: A Fork's Courageous Battle
An Insubordinate Absolved
A Trollop Redressed
Past Woodpiles Remembered
The Onyx
A Tine For Every Plate
All the Tea Warehoused
Tine After Tine: A Chopstick's Lament
Drop-Kick the Mighty
The Luring Away of the Cordial
All Places Timbuktu to the Uninitiated
In Lieu of Water: A Napoleonic Outhouse Constructed
An Abbott Brought to Heel
An Abbess Defoliated
A Gurney Constructed
Abbott in the Abbey: A Friar Out of Waterloo
A Cardinal Builds a Nest
An Abattoir Unclean
Still the Passions of the Meek
Meow Tse-Tung: Cats in the Belfry
Spurn the Righteous
Eradicate the Just
The Tao of Spongebaths (Jones?)
Lording it Over the Incompetent
The Mesmerizing of the Gay
Somewhat Unlikely the Wallaby
Thrice Cold Snails
One Against the Avalanche
No, Nor Heavy, Nor Mistaken, Go We
Yea, Why Despised, Those Kindly Plovers
"Si, Feliz Mi Pelota, Se Fue" -Agusto un pero tierra nuevo
The Manifesto: A Spanish Digression
Further Digressions
The Newfoundlands Heard the Saw
The Abbott Tasted the Felt
The Wallaby Smelt the Herd
Touched Not the Herd by the Tasteless Scene: A Smelt in the Field
Tapioca: An Ornery Custard

III. Concerning the Life Cycle (prematurely terminated) of the Common House Fly
The flies must be eradicated prior to the arrival of Ackroyd. He is coming, and we can't let him know, either about the presence of the flies or the system we have devised to wipe them off the face of the earth. If we don't want Ackroyd and RF to join forces against us, we need to prevent the fly intelligence from leaking out of the group. Here he comes! No, no, it's just the wind.
A. The question of whether, given the option of a close-by suicide or a farther-away ceiling light, the majority of flies will choose the suicide
B. Whether the presence of three live computer screens has any effect on the fly migrations

The Meat Lovers Grill
1. I resent that incineration
2. The Legumes Reaction: Patty
A. Ill at Ease: A Chicken Omelet
Too Queasy went the Easy
Troglodytes So Calm and Wan
An Upwelling of the Above
Unmentionables
Not Ungoverned the Sexy
Not Unsexy the Governess
Up Late
Not Without Merit: A Badge's Report
Before Us go the Unwashed, Said They

IV. Ambiance
A Summer's Lease Unsigned
Spirits Undistilled and Broken
Laphroaig
Blacky and Cracker: An Homage
A Growling Near the Floor
A Yelping Amongst Brothers
The Burning of a Log
Why Ambiance?
Too Desultory the Proud
The Story of Ambiance
Ambiance the Roving Wanderer
Ambiance the Just
Ambiance the Horseless Lone Rider
The Broom
The Heliotrope
The Zeppelin
The Canoe or White Water Wafting
Robinson Crusoe vs. Ambiance
Crowded Desolation
Casual Friday on the Island
Ambiance Hits Home

V. Guinness Augustus Stout vs. Food Specifically and Bagels in General
1. Chili should ordinarily be considered off-limits to Newfoundlands
2. Augustus Dorsey
3. Sarah Dorsey
a. Jefferson Davis
VI. Stalking
A. Stalked
1. The Caps
a. Stalking
b. Stocking
B. Not Stalked
1. The Caps
a. Not stalking
b. Not stocking


VIa. Stocking
A. Stocked
1. The Cans
B. Not Stocked
1. The Cans
C. Martin Heidegger
D. Household inventory as a function of millennial anxiety and/or obsessive-compulsive order/disorder
1. Conch shells: 1
2. Strings of peppers: 1
3. Garbage bags: "We're good." -Jenn
4. Cinnamon: 0.3 "barely any" - RF


VII. Explosives
A. "I don't practice what I preach, because I'm not the type of person I'm preaching to." J.R. Bob Dobbs
B. P Dodge vs. the Internet Police


VIII. Rat Fink Significant Others
A. "Pyramids" was her idea
1. possibilities
a. Genuine concern about the evils of pyramids
b. Red Herring designed to distract us from the Chinese question, which she somehow knows is the crux of the matter
c. She has a wire and "pyramids" was some kind of secret code to her operatives which she then clumsily tried to explain away
B. She's writing her own manifesto
1. A manifaesthete among manifaesthetes
2. Who does she think she is?
a. "Babs" Kosinski
b. "Stella" Marx
c. "Lizzy" "Hacker"

IX. The Bottom Wiper and the Real Attendant Domo
A. What do the dirty bottomed among us really want
B. Who should be doing the wiping?
C. Wipers of bottoms not their own
II The Interviews
a. Gauze?
b. recycling?
c. bidets?


X. The Modern Codpiece


XI. Nullebiety as a State of Mind vs. A Locale
Everyone Knew This
The Professional Appreciator
A Sniper Spotlighted
Nowhere Also a Place
Nothing Taken, Repeatedly
The Admiration and Emulation of the Grinch
No Offense Taken by the Residents
Olwell's Son Revealed to be a Sniper
The Last Millennium Regretted
Previous Actions Denied
Snipers Sent Packing
Baby Talk Rejected
Olwell's Son Asked to Grow Up Fast
The Canine Question or Why Don't the Newfoundlands?
Sold Down the River
Tarred and Feathered in Wickenburg
Suddenly Entranced the Recently Brushed
Can the Bowels be so Ordered?
Cowtown or Empty Head
Nocturnal Defecation Duly Noted
Boiled the Supposed Pilot
Doughy
Maternal Influence vs. Doughiness, Boiling Against Contamination
Misdirected the Garrison
Preoccupied the Protectors
Community Pillars Sandblasted
Heated Sidewalks as Segue Infiltration
The Garrison Dispersed: A 21 Bean Salute
The Garrison: William Henry?
Buchanan Impeached
Creating Olwell From Chaos, and Then Nothing From Olwell
Training Rendered Ineffective By Numbers
Twice Bitten the Shy
Bidentality as Socialization
Where are the Teeth We've Lost?
Could a Toothless Garrison
The Garrison Era Redefined
The Gradual Seepage of the Void
There But For the Garrison, Now Dispersed, Go We
The First Shot
Redeye in a Dirty Glass
A Debutante Served
The Void Temporarily Rebuffed
A Reunion of the Formerly Miserable Unrealized
A Manifesto Edited But Unread
The Wind Came Up
Sights Unseen
A Great Wind Expected
Hatches Battened
A Cooling Breeze Merely Witnessed, not Felt
Hatch Battener Excoriated
Alas, Now Naught But Stultification
Happy the Void With Its Incremental Progress
See Them Scurry to Avoid the Entropy
The Baptism of the Chaotic
The Horses Swim Ashore as the Boats Remain Becalmed
A Cavalry on Foot
No Progress Made
Ambushed by Atrophy
The Horse Latitudes Explained
A Lone Rider
The Horse Latitudes Reobfuscated
Quantification of the Innumerable
Qualification of the Indescribable
Down a Rat-Hole
Classification of the Undifferentiated
Desecration of the Unholy
Too Fertile the Celibate
Once You Go Brillo, You Can Never Go Back
The Newly Reformed Garrison Appears Over the Horizon on Horseback
A Cavalry Demoralized
Meanwhile the Void
Saddle Sores or A New Atrophy
Deluded the Perspicacious
A New Horizon Unseen (Olwell?)
An Epiphany Overlooked
The Garrison as Metaphor
A Metaphor Appears Over the Horizon as if on Horseback
A Symbol of the Literal
The Literal Assembled
Roll-Call Prior to Reveille
A Dry-Humping Witnessed
Well, You Know, Adolescence as a Function of Bidentality
An Attack on the Flank
A Battle to Prove the Defecant
Predetermined the Outcome
A Course on Monotesticularity
Lead Not Your Horse to Water
The Reemergence of the Flies
Generation as Entropic Antidote
The Counterargument of Nobody
The Parsimony of the Garrison Wives
A Man Not Able to Live His Dreams of Peanut Sidewalks
The Unadulterated Cuckold
So Bitter the Engaged
A Colonel's Hand Misplayed (Olwell?)
The Arrogance of the Misinformed
More Informed the Suite, A Segue Back to the Garrison
A Garrison Led Astray
Edge walkers Bowled Over
The Garrison Overemphasized (Olwell?)
The Garrison Aptly Celebrated
The Garrison Successfully Drives It's Wedge
Nullebiety Abandoned
Nullebiety Deconstructed or Vacant Upon Closer Examination
Too Tall the Meek
Haplessness as Post-Mortification
Drawn and Quartered the Garrison
The Paradox: Schwarz and Fishbein
A Gastroenterologist Drawn and Quartered
The Placating of the Already Perfectly Content
Unnecessary Juxtapositions
Ride, Olwell, Ride!
The Great Unbattening Averted
More Than Appropriate or Demanded
From Everything, Nothing
The Weary Rewhipped
Under No Circumstances
The Adolescence of Irony
Too Dirty the Drawers: Exhibit A
The Irony of Adolescence
"I'll Decide When We Ride, Assface" from Above
A Followers Uprising
Split Trails Taken
Lost in the Woods: A Diversion
So Important the Wheelbarrow
A Long-Expected Warning Not Received
The Garrison Tries Valiantly to Make Another Stand, in War paint
Another Lone Rider Seen But Ignored
The War paint Ran
A Literary Device Explained
Too Colorful the Preacher's Collar
Too Colorful the Preacher
Not Colorful Enough the War paint
A Preacher to the Retromingent
Unwelcome the Sucken
The Grammarian's Response to an Indecent Proposal
Forsworn the Drab
The Postmortem of the Pleased
The Preoccupation of the Purposeful
Carpentry and You
The Previous Commitments of the Unwanted
The Secrecy of the Uninitiated
Where the Extra Inch or A Planer's Lament
Uninventoried the Fields (Olwell?)
The Foraging of the Undirected
I, Dr. Shwarz: A Pun Tardily Explained
I, Dr. Fishbein: A Pun Unnecessarily Further Explained
They Washed Their Hands of the Mandatory
A Syllabus Rejected
The Devout Run Up the Asspole
Stature and Taste as Inversely Proportionate
Humiliated Anew the Previously Debunked
A Feckless Freckle, Ar, Ar, Ar
Too Cold the Chili
A Solstice Ignored
Ardbeg
A Gingerbread Man on the Horizon
Too Pointless the Mutilations
Some Resculpting Necessary
A Sculptor Changes Fields (Olwell?)
The Uniroyal Nonesuch
Somewhat Askance the Glances
A Sighing, A Sighing
An Undergarment Scene, But Not Imagined
Can People?
Are We… No, It Cannot Be
Somewhat Ungainly the Coupling
Romance in the Garrison (Zina?)
Thrice Throttled the Peeper
Overwrought the Potential In-Laws
A Younger Sibling Scorned
The Unjustifiable Relocation of the Dammed
Damned to Uncertainty the Uncircumcised
Thrice Wiped the Bottom Rung
A Black Sheep Applauded
A Regular Sheep Cast Out
Undammed for All Time
The Beavers Rebuild
A Moral Code Unraveled
A Beaver Affair
Mate for Life: Myth or?
New Beaver on the Block
Woodchuck Cuckold
A Beaver Pelted (Eggs and Tomatoes?)
Why the Big Teeth, Buck?
So Onerous the Wood Sounds
A Lone Rider Forgotten
His Pond Drained, A Beaver Reflects
A Beaver Run Amok
The Lusty Woodsman Reintroduced
A Naturalist Chased Away
Beaver and Woodsman: An Uneasy Truce
Two Against the Woodchuck (Randy?)
Oak Coals: The Aesthetic Contribution
An Inheritance Noted; The In-Laws Reconsider
To No Avail Slaps the Tail
Some Gratuitous Nudity
A Nipple Inadvertent
Hind Teat Coveted
Too Preposterous the Bespectacled
A Newer Will Found
A Peeper Spotlighted and Ushered In
Tom's Discomfort
Annie Revels in Tom's Discomfort
Bruce Tinkers With the Spotlight
Nongratuitous the Naked Bulb
A Date Set
Supposing the Chosen
Home Cooking: A Caterer Exposed
Another New Will Threatened
A Moratorium on Damnation
Philip Opens the Tube
Dark the Sentiments of the Unbeknownst
Freely Frolics the Archbishop
A Director Miscast
A Euphemism, A Tasteful Cutaway, and One More Gratuitous Breast
Uncomfortable the Girdle of the Recently Defrocked
A Search Party Organized
The Body Double
Somewhat Unlikely the Firmness of the Bosom
Gravity Derided if Not Openly Mocked
Scurvy in the Garrison
B-Vitamins Prescribed
Jejune the Gun Club
A Garrison Unmanned
The Garrisoning of the Formerly Unaffiliated
Woman Manning the Garrison
Woman Unmanning the Garrison
A Garrison Redecorated: The Lingerie Clotheslines
A Distiller House

Characters
The Salutatorian's Mom
The Animal Keeper
The Drummer (not present)
Ackroyd the possible drop by (not present but a constant threat)
The Magpie
I. Concerning the Value of Short Hair on Newfoundland Toes
SM: Have I mentioned that my daughter was a salutatorian?
AK: What does that have to do with Newfoundland toes?
SM: What's a Newfoundland?
AK: Who let you into this manifesto?
D: [Can we overlook these petty differences and get on with the explosive stuff?]
SM: Did you hear something?
AK: No. Now, naturally we're not really talking about Newfoundland toes here, we're discussing the Chinese question, but since we're still under the first heading it will be necessary to refer to the discussion in Newfoundland terms. So, if it's helpful to you, a Newfoundland is a large black excessively hairy canine with a taste for everything (but that, too, is another category).
SM: A dog?
AK: In a word, yes.
SM: Well, if Newfoundlands had short hair on their toes, wouldn't we have more to fear from a winter offensive?
AK: Precisely, because they wouldn't have to stop so frequently to suck the ice balls out from between their toes.
D: [What kind of firepower are we talking here?]
SM: What kind of firepower are we talking here?
AK: Mainly just slobber and big feet.

Snow shoeing to the Whole
Two people set out on snowshoes
A. Accoutrements (per trekker)
a. an ice ax
b. one liter cranberry juice
c. one two ounce bottle vanilla and one baggy sugar (for snow ice cream)
d. a ball of twine
e.
B. Stated Purpose
a. searching for whole.
Trout would seem to somehow be implicated, and naturally Trout Fishing in America Shorty is on hand to explain the connection. While it is not Manifest Destiny in it's absolute form which animates the journey, it is a variant, or possibly an insane Aunt. Marla Maples?
XII. The Meat lovers Grill
1. I resent that insinuation
2. Reactions from cauliflower
XIII.
The Discussions
"Everyone laughed but the dwarf." Day of the Locust
"If you don't have a sense of humor, don't say anything funny." -J. R. Bob Dobbs
The Interviews
The Digressions
SM: Well, maybe she was actually a valedictorian.
The Apologies
"We're sorry." -JR and MC
"It had nothing to do with me." -Guinness