The Goliard Online - Reviews, opinion, original writing, analysis and pith

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Volume 3 Issue 4

April 2004

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I'm Writing a %#$@#*! Letter

Letters Archive

Politics - By Jeff Chazire

Theater Reveiws

Works in Progress
The Night Guy

To No Avail Slaps the Tale -  A Jordan Dane Mystery

Adventures of Tar-man

Original Writings

Food and Drink
Culinary Reviews

Goliard Chefs
The MovieMan
Old MovieMan Archives
Staff Antics

Staff Archives

Staff Picks

Millennial Subversions
Millennium Melange
- 3rd Millennium Manifesto
- Shelving the Millennium 
- 101 Uses for an Expired Millennium
Reviews & Book Lists

Librarian of the Month

Modern Day Goliards worth Investigating
Mark Sundeen
Todd Snider
Richard Linklater
Words you should know
Goliardic Dictionary

- A Word a Day
Scholarly Goliard

- Kenneth Patchen

- Real Italian Current Day Goliards

Link to site of Goliard Scholarship winner

Tornado Alley
serious serialized fiction
by Joe Souza

Days Four and Five - We travel throughout the rain-swept night. The sound of the van's windshield wipers lull me to sleep and every so often I jump up to the sound of stereophonic thunder and catch split-second glimpses of the low-level plains in the crackling illumination. Except for a quick stop at the drive-through at Wintburgers we continue on. The conversion van is now traveling at a speed of one hundred and fifteen miles per hour. The sky is roiling in agitation and clouds are racing above us in fast-forwarded motion. The radio has been turned onto a gospel station but only static crackles over the airways. Frank says that lightning causes static and that listening for such static helps track down potent storms. Frank says that every gospel station worth their salt provides him with reliable static. Frank jokes that this must obviously be a sign from above.

Read more of Tornado Alley

Health and Fitness

Men's Health advice from The Goliard Online

Most men, if they are like the men of the Goliard, need to take better care of themselves. Evidence is mounting that men are not masturbating enough, getting enough selenium, ingesting enough free radicals, mixing in enough flax seed, or downing enough drinks replete with flavonoids to help keep their arteries clear by preventing platelets from clumping together. Men are also swilling way too many cans of lite beer and Yoo-hoo when they could be guzzling V-8, Bloody Marias, and Clamato and thereby getting the benefits from the lycopene in the leached tomatoes which prevents the harmful buildup of cholesterol on artery walls. Additionally, men might also consider sloshing down an extra goblet or two of Chilean cabernet sauvignon which is 38 percent higher than its French counterparts in antioxidant flavonols and tannic acid gas generation. However, men must keep in mind that in the pursuit of complete health, they would do well to increase there intake of ale and lager since a Boston study of 38,000 men found that men who consume alcoholic drinks containing hops and malt, three or four times a week have a 32 percent lower risk of heart attack than men who swill a single can of Bud Ice less than once a week. It's also a good idea for men to pour home as much cranberry juice as possible now that University of Scranton scientists have noticed that volunteers who drank three 8-ounce glasses a day for a month increased their HDL-cholesterol levels by 10 percent. And since an American Scalp Association study found that a couple men who sipped 2 cups of tea a day were 25 percent less likely to die in industrial accidents, men should be making sure that a few cups of Earl Grey becomes part of their day. Also dropping some Siberian ginseng in one of the eight glasses of water recommended by the Swedish Nurses Association is purported to be an erection booster of which the red Korean kind has actually helped guys defy gravity and participate in sexual workouts with some of the nurses involved in the study that left them thirsty and craving black currant juice which was then determined to help prevent kidney stones. German researchers also learned that white currant juice can increase the pH level of male urine and a survey of Austrian mill workers determined that downing two mugs of pureed kale daily may just fight off hemorrhoids. Andy Dunhill, a guy from Cleveland also reports that chewing stalks of celery chock full of androstenone and androstenol, which are two pheromones that can help men attract women subliminally by releasing odor molecules into men's mouth which subsequently travel down the back of their throats and help boost arousal. This turns men on which in turn causes their glands to emit scents and signals that make them more desirable to women on a sudorific level.

Read More

Staff Lists

Shite List 
Jay Kernis - Public Shite Head # One
Offense - Replacing Bob Edwards on Morning Edition

Shite list is a new feature of the Goliard where staff members and readers alike may post names of people who have either committed some egregious act against them personally which is deserving of public mention, or are public figures which have fallen out of favor to the point where a feature story
cataloging their offenses is in the works but is not yet complete and a brief preview is needed. It can be seen both as a public forum for publishing names (and pictures if available) of offenders and a preview of more in depth vitriolic writings to come. Offenses can range from being the guy who drives too fast in a school zone to being George Bush. We'll see how it goes.

Read more about this Shitehead

What can you do?

Sign Bob Edwards Petition here

Relive Bob's best moments with NPR here



Two faced scoundrels we've known 

The Flash in the Pan Hollow Man of a Movie Man

13 Going on 30

Mean Girls

Secret Window
Taking  Lives

Mystic River

Starsky and Hutch

Along Came Polly


Welcome to Mooseport

Other Hollow Man Reviews

Bookwoman's Diary

Who is the Bookwoman?

Go to the Diary

Millennial Snippets

* A Martyr Who Smelled of His Sins
* A Fanzine Released
* Someone's Mother Identified
* Night Sounds Catalogued
* A Government Asked to Reapply
* Methods Repudiated or Mothers Asked to Requalify
* Mumblers Demystified and, as such, Reported
* A Monk Asked to Straighten Out
* An Erection Avoided
* Detumescence Rewarded
* Satisfaction Guaranteed
* The Trouble With Roger or, Roger's Objection to Dick's Claim About Peter
* Euphemisms Gel-Capped
* Weapons Issued
* Ammunition Parsed Out
* Tools Hung Where the Meat Once Was

Take me in Boys!  I might just be ready for the whole

Future Features

Geraldo the self important gets come uppance
Unhand thy weasel
Gastrointestinal distress cited as reason for ulcer
Conservative just sick that he looks like a young John Kerry 
Back fat and bad skin - a recipe for self consciousness
Dyed blonde told the jokes don't really apply to her
Muffin mix explodes in trunk
Girl dates loser for so long that she becomes one
Dental hygienist has bad breath 
Marmite works as foot scrub


marsha aldrich

Last Update: 05/23/2007
Copyright 2004. All Rights Reserved.